Changes

When I think about how I was feeling the past few months this picture sums it up perfectly.  I thought in March that if I went on vacation I would come back and my  nursing light would spark again.

Wrong.

The light was dimmer when I came home than before.  My thoughts were a jumbled mess.  I was spending more time isolating myself from others and feeling nauseated with headaches daily.

I did not want to work as a manager anymore.

It had only been 9 months at the time these feelings started and a previous manager of mine told me to give it a year.  I toughed it out and kept exhausting myself with going back and forth with my future.

Another trip away, another thought that it might be better when I return.

Wrong again.

Washington DC and the eight nurses I am on the Pediatric Expert Panel with reminded me of why I became a nurse.  I became a nurse to help vulnerable children in a time of need.  Much of my job is spent fighting with adults to try and get adequate healthcare and resources for infants.  Healthcare is looked at as a business, not a service anymore, making leadership difficult.

I prayed a lot.  I finally made the decision to resign from management.  I gave my manager two months notice and did not know what I was going to do next but figured I would get some sort of guidance with my faith and be led to an opportunity.  At church the priest said that "you need to let go of some things in order to thrive with your relationships with others, especially your faith."  I got goosebumps.

I love to travel, I have the experience.  Las Vegas and Boston offered me jobs immediately.  I was excited and I was going to go out of town for 13 weeks to get away since life smacked me upside the head this year.  Then the contracts came and I began looking for housing.  Unless I sell my house here in Michigan, I would barely be breaking even.  So I have until August 13th to decide if I want to go to Boston or not.....

But I miss Children's Hospital more than anything....couldn't I just go back there?  The place that molded me into the nurse I am today, the place that gives me hope, the place that has put some amazing patients/families/and coworkers in my inner circle.

Too many decisions and I do not want to make them.  I just want God to give me a sign of what I am supposed to do.  I am 32, I need to be an adult and grow up already!

Out of nowhere I was contacted by Davenport University about some opportunities there.  I went to the interview thinking there is no way that I will get an academia position a week before I get my Master's degree.  I not only was offered for the position I was interviewing for but additional better opportunities.

Boston can wait.  That can be a destination for me to get away and treat myself.  This opportunity in academia might not come up again when I want it to, but Boston could.

Back to Children't to work in a hospital that I absolutely love and as a professor at Davenport!  I cannot tell you the relief and happiness I feel right now.  Nursing gives us so much opportunity and we can truly make a difference in so many aspects of life.

Follow your heart.  Do not stay in a position that causes you nausea and headaches.  Be happy.  Listen to what God has in store for you and ALWAYS BELIEVE!

Keep your heart whole

It has been a wile since I have written anything about nursing in my blog.  December 23rd to be exact.

Ive been in a funk lately with nursing.  I was burnt out in January from working a ton of overtime in December nod early January so I was looking forward to my vacation and 13 days away from work.  However, the last day of vacation I found out one of the patients I became very close to who happened to also be my neighbor passed away while I was on vacation.  I had a hard time accepting this, knowing I never said goodbye.  I still have a hard time thinking about him because he taught me a lot.  This kid went through hell and I mean hell in the little over a year he spent at the hospital but he never gave up.  There were times he could barely sit up but would still want to play Klerplunk with me or color or just press the buttons on our watches that lit up.  Best present I ever bought someone was his light up watch.  He kept that thing on al the time, even in his CT scans.

Since then, I have been in this funk.  I was in this funk when L died on me at Henry Ford.  It took a new job to get me out of that funk.  I can't run again though.  That is not the answer to death.  The fact of the matter is, these patients will come and go.  It is up to me to be able to deal with that and move on from it and stop getting into a funk.  But I have a heart.  My heart is often too big for my own good.  I just have to learn to love with my heart but don't let that love linger.  Share it and care, but don't give it and let it run away.

I won't leave this job but I think I need a change.  Maybe 6 weeks of travel nursing is what I need.  New culture, positivity, new patient population.  I can keep my current job just go down on hours and come home for one weekend and work during those 6 weeks away.

More than just a patient

I have taken care of a little guy numerous times over the past year and there is something about this little one that captures my heart.  His mom has numerous little ones at home and when he's at the hospital no one calls to check on him or come see him for the month that he ends up being there.  So every time I go into work (three times a week) I make sure to spend time with him and teach him things.

So far he knows 8 words and can pound it to the nurses when we walk by.  The other day as soon as he saw me enter the room he yelled MEGANNN KISSSES and opened his mouth wide to give me a kiss.  We sat in the recliner watching Polar Express and doing learning activities (must be the teacher in me).

If this lil one ever goes into foster care, you can bet your bottom dollar he's coming home with me.  I went Christmas shopping for him the other day and my mom and I picked out some cute pajamas.  I am looking forward to working Christmas Eve to dress him in pajamas and help him open some gifts in the morning.

Sometimes we need to forget about the interventions and take some time to love the patients.  Loving him teaches me that nursing is not a job, it is a passion.  The reward of his kisses and him knowing my name when he sees me at only two years old is the best reward for anything I do.

Compassion or Paycheck

I hate going to the hospital when I am not working.  That being said, today I forced myself to go in as a patient.

My vision was blurry yesterday and I had a really bad headache.  The pain didn't bother me but I was convinced of the worst with the blurry vision.  I let it go and then again today it came back, although I was driving this time.   It lasted 3 hours.  At this time I was convinced I had a brain tumor causing this (we always think of the worst).

I decided to find a ride to the hospital because of the blurry vision.

Check in-the nurse was trying every way to joke with me and I just wasn't in the mood.  Poor guy didn't even get a laugh out of me.  BP 135/95, for me thats high.  Numbness and tingling in my arms. Blurry vision.  Head pain.  Thankfully he sent me to CT since there was an hour wait for a bed and the results would be back by the time the doc came back.

Back in a room-took a medical professional 24 minutes to realize I was in there....at this time I could have been dead if I was seriously ill.  It was the doctor who came in and wanted to know what he could do for me.  Didn't he read my triage note before he came in?  I explained what was wrong and his first thing was you have a migraine.  I questioned it because it wasn't like my normal migraines.  He said well we could get you a CT scan and make sure everything is okay....I told him I already had one and he said theres no way.  Dude, I'm pretty sure I know I just went to CT and almost passed out in the room.  At this point I was irritated....why are you as a doctor not prepared to see your patients?

He also did not even examine me.  Hello, blurry vision, head and neck pain, why aren't we checking for increased ICP, PERRLA, hypertensive crisis, etc?

He wants to know what kind of pain shot I want.  Never once did I complain about pain.  Im allergic to morphine and dilaudid so I can barely take anything for pain, therefore my tolerance is high and I try to get it over it with relaxation breathing.  So now Im thinking he just wants to make me happy and get me out.  I ask for zofran.

The nurse comes in tells me he has zofran for me, doesn't examine me or ask why I am there.  I ask for water and he says it dissolves under your tongue you do not need it.  I insist on water because zofran tastes like chalky strawberry and it was a big deal to get me a dixie cup with a sip of water.

Doc says I have a bad sinus infection causing inflammation which could cause ocular migraines which was what I was having.  I ask if its going to keep happening daily and he says, it shouldn't.  No crap, no one should lose their vision for hours each day.

Discharge planner comes in and asks if she can have my prescriptions filled and that a nurse would be in shortly to discharge me and my prescriptions would be done in 15 minutes.

Finally 45 minutes later I get discharge papers and the nurse does not retake my vitals (my BP was elevated pretty high for me) or even ask if I am feeling any different.

Why do I share this with you?  Because it makes me realize that it takes a special person to be a good nurse.  I am so thankful to work with those special people.  I would love to see some nurses come to Children's Hospital of Michigan and put in one shift there....I am sure they would not come back.  There is little to no time to sit down and Facebook or even go to the bathroom sometimes.

Nursing should be more than a paycheck.

It is a hospital not a hotel

I was reading an article today and it stated this in it, "The entire health field is changing drastically and in a terrible way. Hospitals are being rated with surveys like that of hotels. They are reimbursed on patient satisfaction."  

This is something that I am constantly reminded of on a daily basis at work, and I often wonder why.  Why is the government giving into people instead of holding people accountable for choosing to receive help that they cannot provide for themselves?  

As nurses we bust our butts for 12 hours.  We sometimes go without even a sip of water, but if we do not get a glass of water to our patient within seconds they are giving us a bad satisfaction score.  But did they think about the fact that I have 5 other patients and didn't get to hydrate myself for 12 hours?  Probably not. 

We are scrutinized for having a long wait time.   But did the patient that has a cough think about the trauma that came in after them that passed away after all measures were exhausted?  No.  They only thought about themselves because they walked in the doors first, not the grieving mother and father who just lost their only child.  Decreased satisfaction scores.  

The mother of a patient is mad at the one nurse who was having a bad day that just found out her husband lost her job.  So she gives a bad satisfaction score even though she commented on the great service from many other nurses. 

The hospital is a business but should not be treated like a hotel.   In a hotel everything is the same, people come to relax and having a relaxing time.  In a hospital, it is going to be high stress all around.   Parents and family members are stressed because they cannot stand to see their loved one not feeling good or even dying.  Medical professionals are stressed because of the high demands put on them in busy seasons.  Support staff are stressed because the hospital is being turned around constantly and they have to keep up with the housekeeping and supplies at a fast rate.   

We often do not stop and think about the reason why.  We want to think about ourselves and the satisfaction we are getting even though we do not think about behind the scenes.  Next time you want to scrutinize someone in a hospital, stop and think, are they doing as much as they can for me at this given time.    

Spread the passion

This semester I took on a new challenge.  I decided to accept a position teaching pediatric clinicals.  At first I am sure a lot of people thought that I was too young and inexperienced to teach clinicals to nursing students.  I have only been a pediatric nurse for 1 year and 2 months, and a nurse for only 2 years and 8 months.  However, experience does not always make you the best nurse.

My students commented on the fact that enthusiasm made our clinical one of the best they have experienced in their program.   I agreed with them and shared that you can get your nursing degree and apply for a job and receive a pay check.  You cannot be taught to be enthusiastic about your job.  This is something that comes within your heart.  If you approach a situation enthusiastically, especially in nursing, your patient will feed off of that and their fear will decrease.  If you are enthusiastic about helping others, they will feed off of that and will in turn be positive about teamwork.

The students also commented that they never felt intimidated.  As a newer nurse I have felt intimidated by many nurses.  All intimidation does is create fear in a new nurse and makes them afraid to ask questions.  The nurse who does not ask questions is the nurse who ends up hurting patients.  We need to work together and accept that not every nurse knows everything about their job.  No question is a dumb question and no nurse should feel superior to another.  We all have different strengths in our skills and that is what makes every unit special.

It does not matter if you are inexperienced or experienced, if you have passion you can make a difference!  

Family

"Families are the compass that guides us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter"

I have to say this quote really sums up midnight staff at hospitals.  I was given the opportunity to switch shifts and I thought long and hard about it before I made the decision.  The midnight staff in PICU, ED and 5W, where I most often work welcomed me and I feel that some of them can be considered family.  

Guide.  Many of the staff members guide each other.  We work with critical patients and sometimes you do not always know the answer or are stressed and scared so someone else has to help guide you.  Without that family to help guide you, your job would be over pretty quickly.  

Inspiration.  We are inspiration to each other.  My preceptors on midnights have inspired me to become a kind of nurse I never thought I would be.  I never thought I would want to do ICU because I always had the assumption the patients do not interact and they are sedated.  Well, that is the case with some of them but the amazing thing about that is you have to be on your toes constantly.  You have to critically think a lot when they are that sick.  Then you watch some grow up and spend a year of their life with you.  The senior staff in the PICU has been my inspiration to keep learning and always wanting to be a better nurse.

Comfort. Sometimes you get very close to patients and you need comfort.  Your family doesn't understand, your significant other doesn't understand, your coworkers know exactly what you are going through.  Your boyfriend breaks up with you, your coworkers remind you that you are amazing and they weren't worth it in the first place.  They start to know more about you than your family because you spend odd hours with them.  

I have been away from my midnight families for two weeks and I have to say its tough.  I often think about them and miss the teamwork we had.  Luckily I can see them for 4 hours of my shifts now and if I stay over, even longer!  I love my job and the family I am surrounded by.